The Knife On Your Plate

The Triumphant Return

2006-10-18T12:35:00.000-07:00

Well I finally got mad enough about something to write in this thing again. Your welcome Devon.
Earlier today I read about an elementary school in Mass. that is banning the childhood game of "tag." Also no longer allowed is touch football and of course, dodgeball. "I've witnessed enough near collisions," says one parent. I would logically assume then that this lady's child does not walk or bike to school in the morning. I hope they are using excusively felt-tip pens. Those pencils can be awfully sharp ya know. I hate people so much. I am going to start up my own school. In class students will recieve an "A" with a sticker or big fat red "F"and a frowny face. At recess we will play(myself included) tag, football and dodgeball. We will go for the fat kids first. Why? Because that's how you WIN! Get the easy kids out first. And when Tubbs McGee is in the corner crying sucking his little sausage thumb, I will tell him to get up and go play something other than gameboy. And then the next day at lunch when I see him munching on his plate of chiken nuggets alone at the end of the table I will smack him one and ask if he knows why it is he always gets out first in dodgeball. Then I'll call and tell his single mom the same thing. Thus is life. Winners and losers. Everyone is on both sides. A lot. Except me. My mom says I'm a winner.
Have you seen the TV lineup for tonight? Playoff baseball. College football. Project Runway finale. Top Chef 2 premiere. Oh my goodness! God is smiling upon us!

Greatest Monday Ever

2006-05-01T05:21:00.000-07:00

A whole day without immigrants? I call that Christmas! I'm wearing my American flag boxers with more pride than ever today...even though I reckon the person who stitched them together is taking today off.

Baby, it's cold outside

2006-04-26T14:16:00.000-07:00

So the other day I wrote a paper on Southeast Asian Rainforests. The title was, "Tut, tut, tut, looks like a rainforest!" and it began with a quotation from the movie Ferngully: The Last Rainforest. I got an A by the way, dad. But this paper also reminded me of one thing...my all encompassing hatred of hippies. Living in Lawrence, KS, I have to deal with these never-bathin'-hacky-sackin'- vegan-preachin'-bare-foot-walkin'-freaks every day and I can't take anymore.
I watched March of the Penguins a couple days ago. During the movie I was so struck by the utter idiocy of a line by narrator Morgan Freeman, I could hardly contain myself. He said, "Despite having known each other for only a few days, the bond between the mother and her child is surprisingly strong." It is my belief that for such a comment, Freeman should have been punched square in his big dumb head. I mean really, what alternate reality does this guy live in where he would be "[surprised]" at this "bond"? I now am forced to discredit everything he ever said in the movie The Shawshank Redemption. For I am convinced that any wise or intelligent lines he had, were merely an accident.

Walking in Memphis

2006-04-18T10:44:00.000-07:00

A good Tuesday to you all. Today I ate lunch at the Kappa Delta sorority. They served some delicious tacos. Did you eat lunch with about 15 other girls? I don't think so. Once again, proof of who really is the Head Hancho. But do not despair, if you are reading this it means your level of coolitity is already soaring to near record levels. Speaking of record levels...bought gas recently? Goodness me. I'm seriously considering buying a horse. Oats and barley prices have pretty much bottomed out recently so it should be a sound investment. If I get a shetland pony I can park in those ever-convenient motorcycle spaces. But they only seat one and poop a lot in stand still traffic.
One Hundred years ago today San Francisco was rocked by a large earthquake. Scientists are now saying that history could repeat itself and thousands could die in the resulting chaos. This is a problem? The city who has given us Nancy Pelosi, Diane Feinstein, and sourdough bread? We are concerned about keeping these people around? Good Riddance.

Today's Quote comes from Ben Stiller's character Tony Perkis in the movie Heavyweights:

"Today is Evaluation Day. The key word here is value.

Do you have any? Not yet."

2006-04-17T21:51:00.000-07:00

Finally, Genius has a face! Ladies, you are welcome.

First time is always the hardest.

2006-04-17T21:13:00.000-07:00

Welcome World! Welcome to ME! I will not disappoint. On this blog you will find the remarkably random ramblings of a Kansas University student as he interacts with the surrounding world. You will often find jovial musings and observations from the day. May you enjoy reading them as much as I do writing them. La Vita e Bella!